Wow, today was an emotionally exhausting day! I'm realizing how God has worked over many years to bring me to where I am today. Because of my trials (my Gethsemane), betrayals and failures...I now want a different life!
I started my Sunday, as usual, at church. Unfortunately, I received a text message from a friend that her sister had lost her battle with cancer this morning. It took me awhile to stop crying and start trying to focus on the sermon. Interestingly, my soon to be ex-husband was sitting by my side in church today. So, a lot of emotions were at play as I began to listen to one of the most powerful sermons I’ve heard in a long time. And, today's sermon depicted all the lessons I've learned during the course of a failed marriage; but, these learnings give me hope for a better future!
LESSON #1: IT IS IN THE GETHSEMANE OF LIFE, THAT WE LEARN TO SUBMIT TO GOD AND HIS PLAN FOR OUR LIFE. TRIALS = SUBMISSION TO GOD.
Jesus had his darkest moments and felt deep anguish as he prayed to God in Gethsemane before his crucifixion. No one can escape their own "Gethsemane". We will all experience trials in which we don't know how we will survive. Having faith and trusting God is merely theory, until you experience this darkest moment.
Ohhh…deep sigh….Yes, I’ve experienced this deep anguish many times throughout my marriage. Many times I have laid with my face buried in the carpet floor, calling out to God for help. I’ve been broken and have had nowhere else to turn.
I’m grateful that God gave me a gift of faith to call out to Him. He has heard me and He has sustained me and grown my faith through so many trials!
LESSON #2: EVERYONE WILL EXPERIENCE BETRAYAL. BETRAYAL = REALITY.
Jesus was betrayed by his disciple Judas. What devastation! We will all face some type of betrayal in our life.
Yes, betrayal ran rampant in my marriage. Infidelity on many levels and contexts have played a role in the ending of what should have been a sacred marriage forever.
I’m now more committed to the fact that the only way to a successful relationship is one in which each individual is committed to living according to God’s plans, pursuing God’s plans as an individual and as a couple. Betrayal can NOT be a part of a successful relationship! Yet, one caveat, we are human and will sin. I believe there are instances in which betrayal can happen and two committed people to God and each other can forgive and move on. This, however, can NOT be the norm!
LESSON #3: WE ALL FAIL. FAILURE = HUMILITY.
Okay… this is one in which Jesus didn’t experience personal failure! But, because of Adam and Eve’s failure to obey, each of us sin…everyday!
In regards to my marriage, I have so much personal failure and regret! I was young, had low self-esteem, ill-equipped to know what I needed to do. I should have loved (which I know now isn’t a feeling; it’s a verb) and respected more. Over the years, Tom and I were given the education and spiritual direction on what is a Godly marriage. But, we could never truly forget the past. Our foundation was on sinking sand….
The hardest failure I’ve ever had to admit was verbally admitting to my children about our broken marriage relationship. Telling my little ones that we were divorcing IS the darkest moment of my life! Having conversations with my 19-year old about what it was like for her to grow up in a dysfunctional marriage breaks my heart!!!! My children never deserved to feel the repercussions of my and Tom’s poor decisions.
But, through all this pain, I’m learning to make Christ the center of my life. I still fail all the time. But, my heart is forever changed. There are so many things we can pray for. Over the years, my I’ve boiled down my biggest heart’s desire and number one request for me and my children to….”I want to know you Lord more. I want to serve you Lord more. I want you Lord to be the center of my life and the center of all those around me lives!”
So….to tie all this back to the blog about “Me and Mackenzie’s Mission”…..This trip is all about serving God and others! This trip is all about pouring into my impressional, tender 10-yr old who un-wantingly is experience the bitter pains of divorce. I want her to still feel God’s prescence in her life! I want her and I to experience life change in how God can use us to touch others and build our faith as we prepare for this mission trip!
Thanks to all of you that take the time to read our blog, pray for us, love us and support us financially!
